i thought i knew what i was doing with my life, but im once again at square one. i hate this uncertainty. i dont know where i’ll be in six months, and its stressful to try and figure everything out. i think about it way too much.. its hard for me to concentrate on other things.

i have to transfer to a university this fall.. my options are ucf and uf.

if i go to ucf i could still live at home and just go to the regional campus here where i live. but that decision means living at home for at least another two years. i’ll be almost 21 and still living at home. and i know a lot of people live at home into their 20s, but i will not have any freedom until i move out. living at home means no car, no friends (since they’ll both be away at college), and me being treated like a 12 year old by my mom. because the minimal amount i go out to do something, i have to contact her to pretty much just let her know im not dead and to tell her when im coming home. seriously, i really hate it. and my dad hates my gauges, my blue hair, and that fact i have three piercings in one ear. if i do “anything else like that” i’ll be kicked out. i want at least a couple small tattoos and maybe another ear piercing. but im not allowed to until i move out. one plus side is that id be saving money. id only have to pay for tuition and books. no apartment, food, ect. then again, what would i be saving money for? id have no friends and no where to spend money. what would be the point..

if i go to uf, that means living in an apartment, buying food, maybe buying a car, plus gas, car insurance, and tuition/books on top of that. and i would need a job. im fine with all of that, but i would have to take out student loans to get by (which my dad does not want me to do..at all). id also need a job. it would be a lot of work, but i think moving to gainesville would be worth it. i really want to do this, but my dad is freaking me out and kind of talking me out of it- so im reconsidering. when we were talking about my (supposed) $500 rent, he thought it meant $500 for the whole 2bed/2bath and that for me it would be $250 a month. when he found out it was $500 each, he freaked out and told me that its way too expensive, basically. and that i also shouldn’t buy a car. $500 is a pretty decent price compared to all the other apartment complexes. everything is included and its completely furnished. he still thinks its ridiculous. so with talking to my dad, im starting to lose faith in myself that i could actually be financially independent while moving almost three hours away from home. i dont even know if it’ll be worth all the stress. and not even the stress when im there, the stress that this decision is going to bring me over the next couple months. ive talked to some of my extended family about this, and they really think i should go for it. then again, they dont exactly know how much money i have and that i’ll be living really conservatively since its pretty expensive compared to how much i have saved.

whenever i think about this stuff (which is very frequently) i can only come to the conclusion that kids who have their college paid for and dont have to worry about anything, are extremely fucking lucky. also, if i stay living here for another two years, i might literally go crazy. i love my family, but i need to be on my own. i need to have an actual life. i need to make mistakes. its the only way i’ll learn.